tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88485522011-07-07T20:27:12.254-07:00 A born again believer in Christ who doesn't buy the line about sexuality and sex by the church. This is my concerns, my questions, my fears, and my hopes in coming to terms with what sexuality is all about for me and others. The great thing is I know I am not alone. Ed,Moderator CPEnoreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848552.post-65286317981340833612009-07-20T16:33:00.000-07:002009-07-20T16:43:41.956-07:00After careful consideration and thought, I think it's time to give this blog a new look focus. Having photos of naked women is one thing, but where is the true dialogue and questioning regarding who we are in Jesus and how do relate to sexual/relationship issues affecting many in the faith? In light of real changes in my walk and a new approach to things maybe this blog can do more to ask the questions people are afraid to talk about.<br /><br /> One of the biggest questions I have concerns the issue of whether a single person can be sexually active or not? I've heard against so much it makes me want to hurl, but I want to hear from single Christian people who are strong in their faith and are sexually active. I'd love to hear what you think about where the church stands regarding "fornication" and what really stands as fornication.<br /><br /> Plus, if you have any ideas regarding sexual issues please feel free to e-mail me and maybe we can talk about it and see where we can go from here.<br /><br /><br /> ---Ed<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8848552-6528631798134083361?l=christprorotic.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Ed,Moderator CPEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848552.post-1098555308350642042004-10-23T11:10:00.000-07:002004-10-23T11:15:08.350-07:00<tt> "This is my story, this is my song... <br />Praising my Savoir all the day long..." <br /> <br />---From "Blessed Assurance" <br /> <br /> <br />This piece that I'm posted was used in a couple of other groups <br />in Yahoo and elsewhere, and I thought it was the best way to tell my <br />story. Anyway, one thing has changed is I am slowly finding my <br />connection to God again and that I did go to church during Chritmas, <br />but not on a regular basis. Here it goes: <br /> <br /> <br />Hello there everyone! <br /> <br />Thanks for allowing me to your group and I hope you all can help <br />me. To tell you the truth, I am a holy mess (no pun intended). Where <br />do I start, where do I start...the begining, yeah, that would work. <br /> <br />I'm 38 y.o., black male who is trying to break the sex code the <br />church has pulled over believers for the longest time. I've been a <br />Christian for over 20 years and I am very, very confused over the <br />issue of sex. I can't even begin to tell you the years of guilt, <br />pain, hurt, and frustration over my inablity to keep "faithfully <br />pure" sexually. My exposure to sex was from my mom's boyfriend who <br />when they left to get something from a nearby store I saw two playing <br />cards with sexual images on them. I was hooked from that point <br />forward. <br /> <br />I went from the cards to checking out my mom's Cosmo, then I <br />would go into the adult stores at 11-12 (I was 6 ft. tall at the <br />time; I'm 6-7 now) to check out the magazines. Back then in the late <br />to early 80s it was dingy and dirty. Meanwhile, I was a new born <br />Christian who wanted to rid myself of these dirty thoughts. <br /> <br />I came to know Jesus via the 700 Club and was baptized in the <br />Holy Spirit a month later over the phone. I read my Bible, went to <br />church, prayed, and went to the altar every week, month or several <br />month over my latest "falling". What really sent me through years of <br />guilt was my first sexual experience with a prostitute. I took money <br />from my grandmother and got my first hooker. No girl at school wanted <br />anything to do with me at the time, so I had to buy my sexual <br />experience from a hooker. This would take weeks for me to forgive <br />myself (which I didn't) and go from one point to another. <br /> <br />I was growing in faith and doing well, but if I ever masturbated, <br />ever lusted in my heart, ever succeeded in my ventures for the <br />perfect sexual experience it was more beating myself up, more hurt, <br />more guilt. <br /> <br />I got married when I was 20 y.o. with my ex wife; we were <br />sexually active before we got married. More guilt. For 15 years it <br />was a roller coaster of pain, lies, betrayal, and guilt. I went into <br />the military and went overseas to Germany. Dear God did I get an <br />education. Spiritually it was an eye opening experience in the things <br />of God. Sexually was eye opening too. I discovered the red light <br />district of Frankfurt; saw my first adult videos; enjoyed sex with <br />women from nearly every type of background. Meanwhile, the weight of <br />guilt was too great. At one point, I went on a two day bing and got <br />back to the aprtment near the base to lock myself in a room and cried <br />my eyes out while listening to Amy Grant's "If these walls could <br />speak". To this day I can't really hear the song because of the <br />memories of that day. <br /> <br />While this tug of war with God and sex came to a head, I found <br />out one of my closest friends was gay. This opened my eyes and God <br />brought me revelation of how God loves gay and lesbian people. This <br />revelation doomed my marriage. My wife didn't share my support and it <br />brought a wedge deep in our relationship (on top of the other stuff). <br />Plus, at some point during my marriage, I was starting to realize <br />maybe I have an adiction. I started believing that maybe, just maybe, <br />I'm a sex addict. The only problem with it all is I never spent all <br />the money on just sex. I paid my bills, took care of needs as they <br />arose, etc. Plus, God had more of a billing in my life than sex, so <br />how could I be a full blown addict? <br /> <br />We came back overseas and I got heavily involved with the gay <br />Christian movement. In fact, I still keep in contact with a few of <br />the folks there who are on the forefront of the movement. I went as <br />far as becoming an assistant minister to the church I was going. <br />However, sex was still a big problem for me. <br /> <br />At this point, my ex and I were not having sex together at all. <br />She was praying that I would see the "light" and turn my back to this <br />support to gays and become the man of God she thought I should be. <br />You know the one, the one who was sexually faithful to her, wanting <br />only vanillia sex, no tv, strict interpretation of the Word, etc. I <br />couldn't be that, nor was that me. I'm a realist and I just had to <br />believe if gays could find God's grace to live their life as they <br />were than what about people like me? I really hoped that maybe if I <br />could really reach out to gays to let them know God loves them, if I <br />could stay faithful to my faith, than this need for sex would finally <br />stop. <br /> <br />Then the bottom dropped! <br /> <br />*A good friend of mine who was a gay man and a Christian committed <br />suicide because of his boyfriend dumping him. They were together for <br />three years and was committed to him for life. This really devistated <br />me. <br /> <br />*I met my girlfriend/soulmate at the dance club three years ago, her <br />name is secret only to a chosen few. I fell for her because I found a <br />kindred spirit and someone who I felt loved and comfortable. We made <br />love, enjoyed each other, and was amazed by her in every way. Yes, <br />we're different in some things but she is still the most incredible <br />person I've ever met. I was satisfied sexually and personally for the <br />first time in a long while with her. That posed a problem because I <br />was still married with my ex. <br /> <br />*She told me she was pregenant with a child and this basically ended <br />my marriage. It ended it because I wanted to be with her than my ex <br />more. <br /> <br />*I had to leave the ministry and drop out of church because of all <br />this and with it put on the biggest weight of guilt ever. It took me <br />two years to work it out, but I am almost out of the woods to make <br />sense of it all. <br /> <br />*Top everything else with financial problems out of the ying yang I'm <br />still dealing with, finding a decent job to support my new family, <br />and trying to make sense of faith and Christianity and you got one <br />messed up kid here. <br /> <br />I wish I could say I have regrets over some of the things I done, <br />but I don't. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't have the <br />problems with sex, maybe the church heads do and they need to get a <br />grip. <br /> <br />I need answers, but mainly I need friendship and advise. I've got <br />only a few to help me through this and I can't even begin to be open <br />about my beliefs about sexuallity. I don't know really what to do and <br />would Jesus dump yet another bag of guilt on my head for even <br />thinking this way? Lots of questions, but I had to get this all off <br />my chest. <br /> <br />Thanks again for having me on and I hope to hear from some of you <br />soon. Take care and God bless. <br /> <br />Ed <br /> <br />P.S.--Oh, it's been a long time since I've graced a church regularly <br />or read my Bible. I try, but it's hard. I still believe despite <br />everything. <br /> <br />------- <br /> <br />If you want to check out the Yahoo group where this original posting comes from feel free to visit this link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ChristProErotic/</tt><tt> <br /></tt><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8848552-109855530835064204?l=christprorotic.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Ed,Moderator CPEnoreply@blogger.com4